It’s pounding inside my chest. Up and down.
A beat followed by another beat.
A dream followed by another dream.
Pain followed by more pain.
Desire followed by fear.
Love follows excitement.
Insecurity follows joy.
Numbness follows numbness follows numbness.
I build up some walls, my little heart, to protect you from the outside.
To protect you from our dangerous, insecure dreams that drive us crazy at night.
To protect us from leaving our monotone days – which hold you so safe.
We love security; we love to know what happens next. We love to greet the bus driver in the morning and pay our three Euros for a delicious coffee at our favourite café. We expect the barista girl to be unfriendly, because that is how it always has been. We know how to handle our client E-Mails and how not to properly listen, when a co-worker complains about trivial things.
We’ve gotten quite good and feeling numb, my little heart.
But you are safe. Numb but safe. And that is all that matters.
I know you want to jump a tiny bit higher so you can glance over the high walls I build for you. You want to jump so high, that you can see the sunset and the ocean. You want to jump so high that you can feel the wind hitting your skin. But the higher you jump, the more it hurts coming back down my little heart.
Please don’t jump so high. Please don’t fly.
I can’t protect you from down here, if you are up there.
Please don’t fly.
Please don’t fly.
Oh little heart.
Please take me with you.
Take my hand and let me see the sun and the clouds.
Show me love. Show me all of it.
Run with me towards that wall. Not caring if we will break through or if we break you.
We will get hurt for sure. We will cry on the kitchen floor and you will be in pain. Every blood cell inside you will be filled with fear and endless, endless pain. But we will run together and see all these great things that make you jump so high. Higher then you’ve ever been before.
It’s because I love you my little heart. It’s because I love you and I finally have to let you show me the shiny truth.
Together we might figure out what life is all about. I’m all in – this time. We might go from happy numbness to scary powerful reality.
And we might break into a million pieces,
but at the end we will shine and be free.
My traveling heart and me.